It's officially the holiday season,
It's also a time to celebrate with a little good old-fashioned consumerism and pick out the perfect gifts for your mother, significant other or childhood friend. If you're giving out cards this holiday season, don't forget to make your loved ones laugh with a witty pun or joke. Be the star of the show at the office holiday party by cracking up your coworkers with a Christmas quip.
Change "Ho, ho, ho" to "Ha, ha, ha" with these pun-derful Christmas jokes:
Christmas jokes How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet? 25 — there’s noel. Did you hear about what happened to the man who stole the advent calendar? He got 25 days. Why is the Grinch such a good gardener? He has a green thumb. How did one sheep greet the other for the holidays? Wool-tide bleatings! What’s Tarzan’s favorite Christmas song? Jungle bells. What type of key do you need to put on a Nativity play? A don-key. Why was the advent calendar afraid? Its days were numbered! Where do mistletoe go to become famous? Holly-wood. What do you get when you cross a pig and Christmas tree lights? A piglet! Did you hear about the brand new Christmas newspaper? It’s “The Herald-Angels Sing.” What do sheep say at Christmas? Merry Christmas to ewe. What do you call a Christmas rom-com about bread? Loaf Actually. What is a lamb’s favorite Christmas carol? Have Yourself a Mary Little Christmas. What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes “ribbet ribbet?” A mistle-toad. What’s the best present to receive? A broken drum, you just can’t beat it. How does a sheep greet you for Christmas? Fleece Navidad. How does Christmas Day end? With the letter “Y.” Why did Scrooge keep a pet lamb? Because it would say, “Baaa humbug!” What falls in the winter but never gets hurt? Snow. How did Scrooge win the football game? The ghost of Christmas passed. What’s the Grinch’s least favorite band? The Who. What’s a dog’s favorite Christmas song? Bark, the Herald Angels Sing. What carol is heard in the desert? O camel ye faithful. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws. What do fish sing at Christmas time? Christmas Corals! How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger. Santa jokes Did you hear about when Santa got stuck in the chimney? He was feeling a bit Claus-trophobic. Who delivers presents to cats? Santa paws. What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson. How can you tell that Santa is real? You can always sense his presents. Which U.S. state is Santa’s favorite? Idaho-ho-ho! What is Santa’s favorite type of music? Wrap. What do you call a bankrupt Santa? Saint Nick-less. Why does Santa use a chimney? It soots him. Who is Santa’s favorite singer? Beyon-sleigh. What do you get if you cross Saint Nick with a detective? Santa Clues! What does Santa clean his sleigh with? Santa-tizer. What did Mrs. Claus say when Santa asked about the weather. “It looks like rain, dear.” How does Santa measure his bag? In Santa-meters. How do you know Santa is good at karate? He has a black belt. Why does Santa work at the North Pole? Because the penguins kicked him out of the South Pole. What brand of shoe does Santa wear? I don’t know, boots me! What’s Santa’s nationality? North Pole-ish. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house. Why did Santa get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone! What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh Elf jokes Why did Santa’s helper start going to therapy? He had low “elf” esteem. What do Santa’s helpers learn in school? The elf-abet. What do you call a frozen elf? An elfcicle! What would you find on an elf’s Instagram account? Lots of elf-ies. What is an elf’s favorite candy? Orna-mints. What do you call an elf that just won the lottery? Welfy. What sport do Christmas elves compete in? North Pole-vaulting. Who is the best singer in the North Pole? Elf-is Presley. What’s an elf’s favorite sport? Miniature golf. What was the elf allergic to? Sh-Elf-ish. What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate clauses! Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace? So he could sleep like a log. If there were 11 elves and another joined them, what would he be? The twelf. What did the elf get when he crossed a bell with a skunk? Jingle smells. What kind of car does an elf drive? A toy-ota. How did the elf give her final project at school? With a present-ation. What song did the elf’s teammates sing as he rounded third base in the annual holiday baseball game? Please Come Home for Christmas. What did the elf on the shelf dress up as for Halloween? Prankenstein. What do elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsels. Reindeer jokes Why didn’t Rudolph make honor roll in school this term? Because he went down in history. What do reindeers decorate their trees with? Horn-aments. Which reindeer does Santa always have to discipline? Rude-olph. What do you call a reindeer with no eyes? No-eye-deer. What did Santa give his reindeer with a stomach bug? Elk-a-seltzer. Which of Santa’s reindeers loved to party? Dancer! How much does it cost to run Santa’s sleigh? Eight bucks, or nine if the weather is bad. Where do Santa’s reindeer stop for ice cream when their job is done? Deery Queen. What do reindeer eat for breakfast? Deer-ios. Why do Dasher and Dancer get to take so many coffee breaks? They are Santa’s star bucks! How is a reindeer like a coin? It has a head on one side and a tail on the other. Why is Scrooge so nice to Santa’s reindeer? He values every buck. What is brown, white and red all over? A sunburned reindeer. How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming? He looks at the calen-deer. Did Rudolph go to public school? No, he was elf-taught. What did Rudolph say when he won the lottery? Christmas be my lucky day! Why was Rudolph directing the Christmas play? Because Santa asked Rudolph: “Won’t you guide my play tonight?” Why did the reindeer cross the road? To fly to the other side. Why does Rudolph fly? Because he can’t drive! What do reindeer say before they tell a joke? This one will sleigh you! Snowman jokes What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite. How did the snowman get to work? By icicle! What song do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party? “Freeze” a jolly good fellow. What do you call a snowman who likes to take tropical vacations? A puddle. What did one snowman in a field say to the other? I don’t know about you, but I can smell carrots. What do snowmen do on the weekends? Chill! What’s the name of the summer king of snowmen? King Meltin. What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps. How do snowmen lose weight? They wait for the weather to get warmer. What’s a snowman’s favorite school activity? Snow and tell. What do you call a snowman with a six pack? The abdominal snowman. How do you greet a snowman? Ice to meet you! What do snowmen call their offspring? Chill-dren. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes. What does Frosty the Snowman like to put on iceberg-ers? Chilly sauce. What kind of mug does a snowman like to use for his drinks? A frosted one. How do you scare a snowman? Pull out a hair dryer. How do you know if a snowman has gotten into your freezer? If he’s still there. What do you call a snowman party? A snowball. Christmas food jokes What do grapes sing at Christmas? ‘Tis the season to be jelly. Where do you find chili beans? At the North Pole! Why shouldn’t you prank the eggnog? It can’t take a yolk. Why do so many people drink eggnog around the holidays? It’s sold everywhere, you just can’t egg-nore it. Who is the only one to not eat at Christmas dinner? The turkey, it’s always stuffed! What’s the best thing to put into a Christmas cake? Your teeth. What did one cranberry say to the other at Christmas time? Berry Christmas! What did the gingerbread man get when he broke his leg? A candy cane. What did the gingerbread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet. Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor? He was feeling crumby. What’s red, white and blue at Christmas time? A sad candy cane. Who hides in a bakery on Christmas? A mince spy. How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey? On the dark side! Winter jokes Why is it always so cold around Christmastime? Because it’s Decembrrr. What do you call an art museum made out of ice? The Ig-Louvre. What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed? A cold. What’s white and goes up? A confused snowflake. What did the icy road say to the truck? Want to go for a spin? During which winter month do people sleep the least? February. How do you lift a frozen car? With a Jack Frost. Why did the girl keep her trumpet in the snow? She wanted to play cool jazz. Why don’t penguins fly? They’re not tall enough to be pilots! What does the month of December have that no other month does? The letter “D.” Christmas tree jokes What do Christmas trees and bad knitters have in common? They keep losing their needles. What did the beaver say to the Christmas tree? Nice gnawing you. Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber? It needed to be trimmed. Where do you find a Christmas tree? In between Christmas two and Christmas four! How is a Christmas tree like a nice dog? It’s all bark and no bite. What’s as big as a Christmas tree but is lighter than a feather? Its shadow. Why did the Christmas tree see the dentist? It needed a root canal. What’s another name for an artificial Christmas tree? Faux fir. What happens to Christmas trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy. What’s the most frustrating thing about being a Christmas tree? Having so many limbs and not being able to walk. Who guards the Christmas tree? Tinsel-diers. Why did the Christmas tree go to the doctor? It was looking a little green. How are Christmas trees like blockbuster movies? They both have stars. Why was the Christmas tree in charge of hosting the award show? He really knew how to present. What rock band did the mistletoe love to listen to? Kiss. Why was the mistletoe leaf shaped like a chicken? It grew up in a poultree. What do you call a mistletoe who didn’t return to the military on time? Absent without leaf. What weighs less, a pound of mistletoe or a pound of pine needles? Neither, they both weigh one pound. Why was all of the mistletoe growing up one tree? It was the poplar tree. What did one Christmas tree say to the other? Lighten up! What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree with an iPad? A pineapple. Why wouldn’t the cat climb the Christmas tree? It was afraid of the bark. What do you get if you eat shiny Christmas tree decorations? You get tinselitis. Christmas knock knock jokes Knock knock. Who’s there? Anna. Anna who? Anna partridge in a pear tree! Knock knock. Who’s there? Holly. Holly who? Holly-days are here again. Knock knock. Who’s there? Harold. Harold who? Hark the Harold Angels Sing! Knock knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive the other reindeer. Knock knock. Who’s there? Yule. Yule who? Yule be sorry if you don’t open this door. Knock knock. Who’s there? Cole. Cole who? Cole me when you hear Santa. Knock knock. Who’s there? Snow. Snow who? Snow way I’m telling you. Knock knock. Who’s there? Icy. Icy who? Icy you! Knock knock. Who’s there? Interrupting Santa. Interrupting Santa wh- Ho ho ho! Knock knock. Who’s there? Wooden shoe. Wooden shoe who? Wooden shoe like to know what you’re getting for Christmas! Get in the holiday spirit with these other USA TODAY reads Christmas trivia: Test your knowledge on holiday music, movies and traditionsChristmas memes: These might land you on the naughty listTop Christmas movies: Stream these popular picks this holiday seasonFamily Christmas movies: Keep kids entertained with these holiday favoritesListen to the hits: Here's where to find Christmas music on the radioChristmas tree 101: Everything to know before purchasingHealthy holiday eating: Enjoy favorites and feel good with these tipsHow to play White Elephant: Try this game of holiday gift swap mischiefGive back: Where you can volunteer this holiday seasonJust Curious for more? We've got you covered USA TODAY is exploring the questions you and others ask every day. From "When is Hanukkah 2023?" to "What is the healthiest chocolate?" to "How do I play checkers?" – we're striving to find answers to the most common questions you ask every day. Head to our Just Curious section to see what else we can answer for you.
