'Baby Reindeer' shines light on complicated aspects of sexual abuse

"Baby Reindeer" – a chill-inducing Netflix limited series – weaves together a twisted tapestry detailing how trauma takes over our lives. But a central question looms at its center: How does our trauma shape us – especially when it comes to something as grave as sexual abuse?

The series – based on true events – tells the story of Donny (Richard Gadd, reenacting a version of his own life), a bartender and wannabe comedian who serves Martha (Jessica Gunning) a free cup of tea, unknowingly starting a yearslong odyssey that begins with thousands of harassing emails and gets worse from there.

Amid the harassment and trauma, Donny reflects on past abuses he suffered that he believes made him a "sticking plaster" for a predator like Martha. In a flashback episode, he tells the story of Darrien (Tom Goodman-Hill), a much older comedian and writer who groomed and sexually assaulted Donny.

Donny's experiences with Darrien left him traumatized and hollow, ruining his relationship with girlfriend Keeley (Shalom Brune-Franklin). He becomes sexually confused, threatening a new courtship with Teri (Nava Mau), a transgender woman Donny is secretly ashamed to date.

Researchers have long tangoed with questions regarding sexual abuse and sexual orientation: Can the abuse affect someone's sexual orientation, or might it simply bring out something lurking under the surface? But these questions ignore the most important takeaway: People should seek help to work through their trauma, lest it linger and become more pronounced.

Laura McGuire, founder of the National Center for Equity & Agency, says it's typical that after someone experiences abuse, they may feel desperate for "approval and safety from (their abuser) again, that's just the mammal part of our brain. And that doesn't mean that we wanted it or that they're a good person or that we actually love them. But that is how we've been primed to go back into potentially being harmed again."

'A great deal of confusion and fear'

Sexuality is a spectrum, and some people don't realize or explore theirs further until later in life.

When someone is sexually abused, though, their sense of identity – no matter how developed – shakes.

"And because their selfhood is being so violated and so ignored, so erased, so bulldozed in the process of this abuse, it makes it harder for them to find themselves afterwards," says Andrea Roberts, principal research scientist of environmental health at Harvard University who studies childhood abuse.

They're also quick to blame themselves. Sexual abuse "brings shame, it brings self-hatred, it brings self-blame," says Chitra Raghavan, professor of psychology at the John Jay College of Criminal Justice. "You start to ask: 'Did I ask for it? What did I do? Could I have done things differently?' There's a great deal of confusion and fear."

The experiences of male survivors are also complicated by homophobia – 96% of perpetrators against boys and girls are men. Fears of being seen as gay can contribute to feelings of shame and a desire to hide the abuse, especially when their bodies have sexual responses under violence (which is physiologically normal for any survivor).

Roberts adds: "It's not uncommon for victims to think that somehow it's their fault, and I think more so if they're aroused when it happens, and that's just devastatingly confusing."

When that arousal comes from someone of the same gender – when you didn't think of yourself as queer before – it's bound to be that much more of a conundrum.

Good question:Paris Jackson said the paparazzi traumatized her. What exactly is trauma?

Abuse not likely to 'change your sexuality'

McGuire says that many who experience such trauma will spend long periods questioning their sexuality. Sexuality, however, is a mosaic: "It is our innate desires and preferences, it is based on the culture, geographic location, historical period that we live within. And then certainly experience plays a part," though she adds no single experience is likely to "change your sexuality."

McGuire notes we wouldn't be asking these questions if we were talking about people of the opposite sex. If a man sexually abused a woman, you wouldn't question her attraction to men, for example.

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The truth about grooming and abuse

What we do know about abuse, without a doubt: Predators will prey on anyone they can. They will manipulate, groom and abuse. That will include people who feel ostracized or going through an internal conflict themselves. When Darrien first steps foot into Donny's comedy show, he seems like someone desperate for connection. Someone who probably stomachs shame.

"We know that people who are queer are going to be experiencing that whether they have named it as a questioning experience," McGuire says, "or they've never put any of those labels on it, that is part of how they're moving through the world." It makes sense, then, that LGBTQ+ people are about four times more likely to be victims of violent crimes such as rape or sexual assault.

Victims may even find themselves back in dangerous situations – as Donny does time and again in "Baby Reindeer" – because they reason, " 'If I'm the problem, I don't have to face the much more painful truth that someone intentionally found me, primed me and attacked me,' " McGuire says.

Grooming in particular may start off small – "let's go back to my place where it's quieter," or "I see so much potential in you and your talent." Intimacy, connection, friendship that turns sour. "It is opening that person up to more danger, while paradoxically offering safety," Raghavan says. "Grooming is done by all kinds of sexual predators."

If "Baby Reindeer" switches on a light bulb for you, talk to someone about it. There's hope out there – no matter how bad it gets.

If you are a survivor of sexual assault, RAINN offers support through the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE & online.rainn.org). 

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Contributing: Kelly Lawler