They often foot the bill. But, can parents ask for college grades?

When your kid heads off to college, there's a whole new world for the new young adult – and the parent – to traverse.

There's a newfound independence for the college student, who now is responsible for getting to class on time and keeping up with his or her grades in a tough academic setting. Add to that a new social life, balancing fun and class and perhaps a job.

Let's face it – grades may or may not suffer.

But should Mom and Dad be allowed to view the grades of their college student? Does it depend upon who is footing the bill?

Welcome back to Uncomfortable Conversations About Money, a recurring series where we will tackle challenging topics or situations around money that make you uneasy. We'll outline the problem and try to get you some usable solutions.

The battle over sharing college grades

The dilemma: When Andreea Gociman-Pfeifer's son, Simon, started college in 2018 at Loyola University in Chicago, the subject of grades came up pretty quickly – and became a bone of contention.

Simon was still living at home since it was only 15 minutes from campus. He received a $20,000 scholarship, but Andreea and her husband, Peter, were paying the rest of his tuition as well as his everyday life expenses.

The family is extremely close, said Andreea, of her relationship with both Simon and his little sister, Giselle. Her kids tell her a lot, including things she doesn't want to know.

So she didn't think anything of asking Simon to see his grades.

But Simon said no.

"There were many arguments," said Andreea. "I am not a helicopter mom, but we have a fairly close-knit family. The four of us, we talk about anything and everything."

"So it was just like, 'Hey dude, where are your grades?'"

Andreea said Simon would give a general answer about his grades, but would not give her access or specifics. It was a constant battle.

The grades come in

After Simon's first semester of his freshman year, the family was vacationing in the Dominican Republic during the holiday break when Andreea felt something was wrong.

"It was a very dark day, literally and figuratively, and we're in the room and my son looks like death came upon him," she recalled.

Simon was placed on academic probation for his grades. He was in danger of losing his scholarship.

Andreea said she remained calm but firm.

"I said, 'I need to see an improvement within a month because I am not going to be paying this.'

"I said it like this: This is his job. My kids both know this. It is their job to go to school," Andreea said. "I was paying him a salary. He was not performing."

Put another way, she added, "I said, 'Look, this is like an investment. My investment does not have a good return. Why would I keep investing in something?' " Andreea said.

Simon did improve his grades at Loyola. His grade point average rose to a 3.8 the next semester and he continued to do "amazing" throughout his college career, including at the University of Central Florida, where he transferred after a remote semester during the COVID-19 pandemic. By then, the family had moved to Florida.

Simon graduated, is now working at a law firm and plans to apply to law school.

So did he start sharing his grades?

"He did show me grades, but he didn't give me access to grades," she said. "It was an ongoing thing."

Parents need to see grades to help guide their kids, mom says

Andreea said parents should be able to view or know the grades of their college students.

"I don't think that once you turn 18, you push a button and all of a sudden all this knowledge comes to you," she said. "Adulthood is a progression."

Andreea said part of her beliefs come from being born and raised in Romania by strict parents. She has similar high expectations for her children, she said.

She also believes parents should be able to see their college students' grades regardless of whether they are footing the bill.

"Even if your child gets a full ride, including room and board ... you're still there for support," she said.

Similarly, if a parent can't help pay for college, some parents may still be financially supporting the student in other ways, like paying for cellphones, insurance, or a place to come home to during holiday breaks, Andreea said.

In a situation where there is no relationship between a parent and student and the student is fully responsible for college, Andreea said the parent should not have access to grades.

Andreea said that in her case, asking for grades was never about control. She simply felt that knowing how her son was doing academically was her way of supporting him and making him successful.

Younger sibling is a different story

Simon has a younger sister, Giselle, who started college this fall at Florida State University. She has scholarships and a stipend that covers her tuition and most of her housing costs, leaving her parents with a small financial responsibility.

Giselle knew about Simon's battles over grades with their mom, but Andreea said they never discussed what would happen when Giselle went off to school.

They didn't have to: earlier this summer, Andreea said the pair were in the car when Giselle said she had given her mom access to her grades for the fall.

"She just has a different personality," Andreea said, adding that Giselle gave her access before they had even gone to college orientation.

Andreea isn't sure she'll log on to see the grades but likes that she has the option.

"It's kind of like when you do a business agreement and you just shake on it,'' she said. "You have to take the trust. And when Simon did not give me that information, a little bit of trust was lost. And obviously, I was proven correct with what happened in January of 2019."

Federal laws govern access to college grades, records

The expert's advice: There's a legal answer to this dilemma, an academic dean's answer, a professor's answer and a parent's answer.

My expert this month, Andrea Hershatter, wears all of those hats. She is an associate professor in the practice of organization and management and senior associate dean of undergraduate education at Emory University's Goizueta Business School. She's also the parent of two college grads.

First the legal answer: There is a federal law called The Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA) that protects the privacy of student education records. The law applies to all schools that receive funds under an applicable program of the U.S. Department of Education.

According to the law, "FERPA gives parents certain rights with respect to their children's education records. These rights transfer to the student when he or she reaches the age of 18 or attends a school beyond the high school level."

So that means that if a student is 16 years old and goes to a college or university, that student now has the rights to his or her own education records, not the parents, said Hershatter.

There are a few exceptions to the law, which would permit, but not require a college or university to disclose information from a student's education records to a parent, a U.S. Department of Education spokesperson confirmed for me.

According to a "Frequently Asked Question" on the U.S. Department of Education website, if the student is a dependent for tax purposes for either parent, "then either parent may have access under this provision, absent a court order specifically prohibiting it."

So the answer to whether parents can legally view grades seems to be "sometimes."

Should a parent ever contact a professor?

"It is unusual, unexpected and probably Ill-advised for parents to have direct interaction with college professors unless of course there's some sort of emergency that needs to be communicated" and in cases of emergency, there is a whole system of support, said Hershatter, who has been teaching for more than three decades.

"In terms of access to grades or other information, as a student moves through their college years, that is really truly between the student and their parent. That's something that should be discussed and negotiated and worked out," said Hershatter.

Putting the college in the middle of the parent and student does not teach the young adult to be independent, and also in most cases is not possible unless the student gives the school permission due to the law, Hershatter said.

Even in situations where a parent is legally allowed to see or discuss grades, Hershatter said she believes the discussions should involve the student.

What if a parent calls and says 'I pay the bills. I deserve to see the grades?'

Paying tuition doesn't entitle a parent to a report card. You're likely to hear, "Thank you so much for sending your child here, but we actually can neither confirm nor deny that your student is even in residence at this university," said Hershatter, whose research has focused on millennials.

There are some cases where an estranged parent might be fishing for information about a child, so that is why protections are also in place, she said.

Should it matter if the parent foots the bill?

It's understandable why parents would feel they have a right to see how their child is doing academically, especially if they're footing what is often a hefty bill, Hershatter said.

"Grades really stand as just one proxy for how much a student is getting out of a university education," she said. "It's quite an important one because it's measurable... The idea that a parent would want to see their child's grades is not at all surprising to me."

But when parents say they are paying the tuition and they deserve to see the grades, "that makes it transactional and I don't see this as a transactional relationship at all," Hershatter said.

Sending your child off to college gives an implicit understanding that the college or university is preparing the student to launch into adulthood, Hershatter said. Parents should also move the conversation away from just grades, to emphasize that you are there to support and help the student through their entire higher education experience, she said.

If you do see the grades, have perspective

Communication between parents and their students should happen frequently to both celebrate the great things the student accomplishes and the inevitable moments of struggle, Hershatter said.

As a faculty member, Hershatter said she wants "to urge all kinds of careful thought when digging into a students' grades." There is an enormous transition from high school to college, including navigating not only courses but life on your own, she said. Students need some time to figure out the best study habits, too.

Students also often struggle when they realize that they may have been at the top of their class in high school, but now they're at a selective school and everyone is performing at that high level, Hershatter said.

Some faculty members at colleges and universities also may set the bar high at the beginning of the semester, she said, "so that students will step up and their actual final grade might be higher than, for example, a midterm grade or partial assessment because that's how you push your students a little bit to work harder."

So any one grade or one course is not going to be a GPA maker or breaker, she said.

Having a transparent conversation before any grades come out is a good idea, Hershatter said.

As the parent of two college graduates who were not shy about sharing grades with her, Hershatter said, she'd want to know at the end of the semester if there were any withdrawals from courses or zones of academic study where her child was struggling. Hershatter encourages parents to make sure the student knows there are resources on campus, such as tutoring, and that they can also facilitate a conversation with a faculty member.

"I would also want to know if they were thriving, so I could celebrate that," she said.

Uncomfortable Conversations:How do you get your grown child to move out?

We want to hear from you

Do you have an Uncomfortable Conversations about Money topic you'd like to suggest? Or would you be willing to be featured in a story about your Uncomfortable Conversation? Email [email protected] with "Uncomfortable Conversations" in the subject line. 

Here are a few upcoming topics. Do you want to share your Uncomfortable Conversation about it?

Are you constantly being asked to buy or donate to a kid's school or extracurricular fundraiser for a family member or friend?

Have you loaned money to a friend, or paid for a friend's meal or night out with the promise to get paid back, but you're still waiting? Has it soured your friendship?

What do you do when your spouse's ex asks for money?

Betty Lin-Fisher is a consumer reporter for USA TODAY. Reach her at [email protected] or follow her on X, Facebook, or Instagram @blinfisher. Sign up for our free The Daily Money newsletter, which will include consumer news on Fridays, here.