There's a reason 'The Bear' makes you anxious: We asked therapists to analyze Carmy
Let’s make one thing clear: we feel for chef Carmen “Carmy” Berzatto and everything he’s been through, including the loss of his brother and a history of incessant bullying by the unhinged chef David Fields (Joel McHale). But as much as we love Carmy (Jeremy Allen White), we can’t quell the desire to flambé his list of nonnegotiables and scream, “Get out of your own way!”
While he’s strived for greatness in earlier seasons of “The Bear,” Carmy’s perfectionism growls loudest in Season 3, (now streaming on Hulu). Single once more, the chef with the hair of a cherub is free from what he feels are the distractions of life (but we'd call pleasures or respites). He’s now able to devote every waking minute to catapulting his recently renovated restaurant The Bear to the top, and as that nerve-racking sign by the kitchen clock shouts “Every second counts.” And so does every opinion. One bad review might cause Carmy’s restaurants’ financing to disappear.
It's all too much. Carmy turns inward and begins isolating, unable to be vulnerable enough to share the burden of excellence with his staff. Luckily for us, Carmy is a fictional character powerless to voice any opposition to therapy. He should slip into his comfiest chef’s whites because we asked real-life therapists to analyze him.
'The Bear' Season 3 finale:Is masterful chef Carmy finally cooked?
The chef's specialty is perfectionism
“He really tries so hard to lean into this perfectionism as a way to not only gain control but also prove his sense of worthiness,” says Amy Albero, therapist and clinical director of Revive Center for Wellness. Perfectionists “set ourselves up for these unrealistic goals. We keep moving the goalposts to try to prove our worthiness, but we never can. It's never enough, and that validates the idea that we are never enough, despite what we do.”
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If you find yourself stressed out while watching the series or you see some of Carmy's tough-to-watch tendencies appearing in your own life, you're not alone. Experts say behaviors like those shown in "The Bear" are not uncommon. We recognize a tendency to put unrealistic expectations on ourselves. That could explain why some viewers feel anxious watching the series, says Reneé Carr, psychologist and adviser for elected officials and CEOs.
“It could reflect on individuals who are watching how they might have created standards for their own lives that might be unrealistic,” Carr says. Gulp.
Why Carmy is focused solely on work
Carmy isn’t a party of one, says Albero. “When many of us turn toward career, it's because it can feel tangible,” she says. Especially amid upheaval or loss.
"His relationship ended, he feels like he can't fix that," Albero says. "Even his relationship with Richie (Ebon Moss-Bachrach), he can't really fix that. He's still grieving the loss of his brother and thinking about his childhood a lot. All of these things are things that he can't really rectify in his mind.
“If he can pour into his career," "Albero continues, and “create a tangible result in a dish or in a Michelin Star or in a positive review, that is something that he has control over. When there is chaos, we try to lean into control as much as possible in order to feel stable.”
But why is it all or nothing? Carr says perfectionists who feel they’ve failed will make tradeoffs to try to succeed the next time around. Carmy abandons his romantic relationship because he’s more confident in his abilities as a chef, Carr says.
“If I just forget about all those things, I don't have to worry about being a failure again,” Carr says. “I don't have to worry about being a disappointment to myself or to others again. But if I focus on this one area that I know I can do well, if I just eliminate all other obstacles, then that can give me a sense of fulfillment and success.”
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The dangers of tying your identity to one thing
“We need more in our life than just our career or just one part of our identity,” Albero says. “The trouble here with Carmy is that so much of where he is focusing is really rooted in other people's approval, external validation ... That again keeps you hungry for more and to keep pushing yourself more.
“So one thing that I worry about for Carmy is a decreased sense of self, of self-esteem, of even knowing who he is and what he wants, what his needs are. If he's so externally focused, that can lead toward even a greater isolation from himself.”
Catherine van Eyck, another therapist at Revive Center, says you can create a fuller sense of self by asking what else is important to you. “Carmy could say that that's the job,” she says. “Being the best. But what else? There's clearly other things that are important to him.”
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